Shopping Cart Drivers

Why does every body operate a shopping cart like an Asian behind the wheel of a car? I turn down an aisle yesterday to get some bread and there is a soccer mom squeezing her couch cushioned ass down the aisle and PULLING her cart! This is when the jello head in front of me gets pissed off and decides to pull a 3-point turn in about four feet of space to go the other way. This bottlenecked all of aisle four. One asshole pulls the wrong move and now we're all crammed like a threesome in a baby crib. To top it all off, I get the lady that left her brain in the car deciding to park her cart in front of the orange juice while she walks back to see what kind of chicken she wants for dinner. This was nice and convenient. This is when being a dick comes in handy...I grabbed all of the shit she had in her cart and walked it all back to it's original spot. Time to start over stupid - the world doesn't have time to dumb down to you. This is the same lady whose husband is waiting for her in the car, but parks right in front of the exit door so we all have to walk around. I have no problem following them all the way home with my shopping cart and plowing into them in their driveway.

3 Things I've Learned About Women

There are three things I've learned about women in my lifetime.

1) They have to be sleeping by a certain time
2) They can't hold it when they have to go to the bathroom
3) They can't wait to eat when they are hungry

I've also learned that if you fuck with or get in the way of ANY of these three things, you are in for a broken roller coaster of emotions followed by a natural disaster.
Have you ever been arguing with your girlfriend and she got tired? She HAS to end that argument and go to bed. If you try to interfere she will spin her head around and scream so loud even Gothic kids would freak out. Girls have an inner-clock OCD and if you get in the way they will go Charles Starkweather on your ass.

If a girl has to go to the bathroom you HAVE to get her to a bathroom ASAP. When a guy has to hold it we just joke about how we have to piss. When a girl has to hold it they act like you're trying to steal their baby. They whine, complain, moan, and make it known to everybody. There is a chemical imbalance involved in urinary fluid for girls and it needs to be released or they turn homicidal.

If a girl is hungry then GET HER FOOD. It doesn't matter if she's a vegetarian.... pull over at a farm and take the leg off a cow! Girls need to eat and don't have the patience to wait. A girl will complain about her weight all night, but when the moon is full and their stomach starts growling, get a breadbasket, soup, salad, mints, appetizers, first course, second course, & dessert. And one of these things BETTER be chocolate!

The worst part is if a girl hears a noise in the middle of the night, they wake YOU up. If a girl brings a purse out with her and gets tired of carrying it, YOU hold it. And it’s always some big, bulky, ridiculously colored purse that makes you stand out like…a dude holding a big, bulky, ridiculously colored purse! And if you are not hungry a girl will still make you try everything she has! I’ll never understand women and that is why I will always maintain…they are the craziest, most psychotic people put on this planet!

Beer Bong...My Ass

I read an article on the internet that a college kid died from taking a beer bong...in his ass! A beer bong in his ASS! For those of you who don't know what a beer bong is...it's a funnel connected to a 3 foot tube that you put your mouth on, a beer gets dumped into the funnel & you shoot a full beer in about 3 seconds. This guy stuck the tube in his ass! He stuck it in his ass, poured the beer, squeezed his cheeks and then butt-sucked the whole can of beer. Then he died of alcohol poisoning!

Now, you're supposed to go to college to FURTHER your education! I didn't go to college, but I'm pretty sure they teach basic anatomy/health. You can't just stick your meals directly in your ass and avoid the whole digestive process. How lazy are people? "Man, I'm starving! But, I don't want to chew, swallow, wait for this digest and have to shit later...I got an idea...HEY FRANK, you got any duct tape and a sling shot???"

How could you even be sad at that funeral? You would have to be walking past that casket with a mental picture of him laying face down on a gurney with a hose hanging out of his ass.

And what do you tell other people? His mom had to call people to let them know what happened. What did she say???

"Hi Mary, I just wanted to let you know that my son passed away..."

"Oh my God!!! What happened?"

"Well...remember when we pledged for a sorority, we had to swallow a live goldfish because that's how we got accepted?"

"Yeah"

"Yeah, well Jason stuck a beer bong in his ass because it was Friday!"

How do you react to something like that? Do you even try to spin it into a positive?

"Well, he liked beer and buttsex, this is how he would've wanted to go!"

Sometimes people even say "He had so much more to give"...No, he really didn't! I'd say when you've got a funnel in your ass, a cheering crowd and a butt full of booze, you've pretty much TAPPED OUT what you have to offer life!

VC

Tell Me All About It!

I can’t stand it when people start talking to me online because they’re bored, but yet they don’t really have any conversation to make. They want somebody to speak to, but they make the other person do all the talking.

You’re sitting there working on something that’s of importance to you and you see the IM pop up and say, “What’s up?” This seems like a harmless instant message, so you put off your work for a second and say, “nm ,u?” This is when the other lazy shit-stain goes “nothing, so what’s new?” You lazy ass dipshit, now I am forced to come up with “what’s new” on the spot! If you’re bored go to Wikipedia, go to youtube, hotornot, ratemypoo, Rhapsody, or any other spot to fill in your boredom. Don’t come to me looking for answers to fill in your dead space you egotistical sloth. The reason you have so much time on your hands is because nobody WANTS to talk to you because your conversational skills are as good as a sandpaper condom! Pick up the slack a little bit and go do something with your life, this way the next time you talk to me you can start the conversation off with something YOU DID! I’m not bored, I have a life, you need to find yours…here’s a hint, get off the computer and go do something…if jerking off does make you go blind the computer will eventually be useless too and then you’re really fucked on conversation!

VC

I'd Like a....uh....uh

I don’t exclude myself from the list of people that piss me off. I do stupid shit all the time that frustrates me just as much as someone else doing it!

Why is it every time I go to a restaurant and I want to order something I put the menu down confidant in what I’m getting…only to panic when the server comes over and have to open the menu back up to point at exactly what I want and read it slow like I developed a reading disorder in the two-minutes it took him to come over? What in our brain causes these stupid nuances? The same thing happens when I go through a drive-thru of a fast-food establishment. I’m all set on trying something new, but when I pull up to order my brain skips and I end up panicking and ordering the same old shit!

Do You Wanna Take My Picture?

VC’s Rant of the Day is back. I’ve had some time off of bitching and moaning to the public, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t writing down and keeping track of every fucking moron that has crossed my path in the past 6 months. This country is continually catering to the stupid and I don’t agree with it. We have dumb people driving smart cars and using smart phones! Day by day I will share with you some of my frustrations that I’ve encountered. Over time we will bond knowing that you don’t go through this stupid shit alone. Sit back and let’s attack!

First up on the shit list are people that ask strangers to take pictures of them and their friends. What used to be a once-in-a-while nice gesture has turned into a demanding egotistical daily dependence. You know the scenario: you’re in a line, waiting to get in some place, pissed off that you have to wait in line to begin with…when all of a sudden out comes four whores and two stumbling boners laughing and giggling. They look at you and ask with a loud, drunken slur “CAN YOU TAKE A PICTURE OF US???” Now you’re stuck at a crossroad because if you say “yes” you will get sucked into them teaching you how to use a camera. Thanks for the technology lesson Mensa, now get over there and pose you drunken hooch. Then this group of wobbly waste can’t seem to get their shit together while trying to pose and asks you to take 3-4 pictures. However, if you say “no” you risk having to talk to these idiots longer and explain your reasoning while essentially cock-blocking yourself from whoever is watching this unfold in line with you.

Whatever happened to the old days of taking your own pictures? Remember when you would get your film developed and you didn’t know what the picture was going to look like until you got it? It was a crapshoot at that point. You’d get them developed and see that in your ONE picture in front of the Eiffel Tower some asshole gave you bunny ears and now THAT'S your memory in the scrapbook for the rest of your life. It really doesn’t make any sense! Days when we had cheap, disposable, $5 cameras we took less pictures and every picture had a family member or a friend missing because they were the ones taking the picture! Now, we have digital cameras that cost hundreds of dollars and we trust strangers to hold our cameras and take multiple pictures, which drains the battery and burns out the lens quicker! Do we really need 18 different pictures of the same exact shit? And now that we can take hundreds of pictures as opposed to the old days of 24 pictures MAX, we take pictures of every piece of shit out there…LITERALLY…I’ve seen a website called ratemypoo.com where people actually take a picture of their shit and post it on the internet for others to rate if it was a good one!

I long for the days that you developed the film and realized Mark didn’t have a head because your thumb got in the way. If you really want to do your part, going forward, each and every time that you take a picture for someone else…stick your middle finger right in front of it at the last second and say “fuck you, it’s not your wedding, I’m not your photographer, I don’t work for free and you’re too ugly to capture at this moment anyway…when you wake up and look in the mirror tomorrow you’ll be thanking me for cutting off your head in this picture tonight!”

VC

Politically Defect

I just want everyone to know that I don't try to be "politically correct". I'm not worried about offending or hurting feelings. I'm also not looking TO offend anybody or hurt their feelings...I just want people to laugh at the stuff I've found ridiculous over time. All too often we have to cover up for what we really want to say because it's not "PC". Isn't that cute how we assigned "Politically Correct" an acronym so the word SEEMS more important??? I don't know about you, but I don't want to walk around in my daily life having all the roads replaced with eggshells.

I think back to when I was a kid...I would mess something up and my Grandpa would say "Hey, idiot, get your shit together!" He wasn't worried about my "feelings"...he was preparing me for the real world. The only real world kids know now is the MTV show!

Due to the artificial laws of staying "PC" we can't call anybody an idiot anymore, we can't say the word "gay" as an adjective anymore, we can't say "that's retarded", we can't show tattoos in a work environment, and co-workers can't laugh at off-color jokes anymore. In fact, we can't have "color" involved in our vocabulary at all anymore. We can't say "black people, white people, Indians" anymore. Instead we have to say "Caucasians, African-Americas, and Native Americans". The white people are the only ones without "Americans" in our politically correct assigned title! We actually have the word "Asian" in our title. We're Caucasians...if you say it fast it actually sounds like "Caulk-Asian". Maybe that's the hidden meaning, we're just white Asians! When I grew up we played Cops & Robbers...now kids play Police Officer and innocent until proven guilty suspects!

I remember when the only pre-requisite to tell a black joke was to look both ways to make sure there weren't any black people in the immediate area. Now in order to tell an African-American joke we have to get a fucking letter of approval from Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. And I'm not a racist, it's a fucking joke! You can make fun of me and shit on me all day long, it's a fucking joke! I don't pretend to get mad to uphold some fictional, bullshit view of being "PC". And I don't think that black people are so jaded that they expect everybody to hold back on "jokes". Black people have a great sense of humor as long as it's a joke. In fact, by us avoiding telling black jokes about them to them, that could be considered racist couldn't it? What, black people aren't good enough for a joke all of a sudden?

And I know there is a history and we have to be sensitive to the subject. I'm just saying everybody can take a step back and laugh without feeling like you have to be offended because of a made up phrase. Was their slavery, yes! Was it wrong, of course! Anybody involved in an act of degrading another human being the way that black people were once treated and handled should be hung by their nutsac and beat with a negro league Louisville Slugger until their bones become a bisque soup. But I don't think me making a "black people have huge penises" joke throws me into that category of bigotry. If we could learn to laugh with each other and at our own expense I think we'd all be a lot better off.

I think the mere suggestion of being "PC" is the only reason that anybody even remotely gives a shit to begin with. It seems that every time something is brought up in this country we have to exploit it. I have the same view on the "DARE" program at school. Drug Abuse Resistance Education. Keeping kids off of drugs is a good idea. But the more we exploit the issue and say "don't do it"...the more tempting it becomes. Look what Adam and Eve did with a fucking apple for crying out loud...can you imagine how tempted kids are with a joint after all those years of preaching! You wanna keep kids off drugs then stop bringing in rehabilitated people to give motivational seminars on how bad they used to be but were able to clean up their act. That doesn't solve anything, all that does is show kids "this is how much you can fuck up and still turn everything around"! You really want to help, bring in one of the city's finest...a cracked out Chicago street bum that huffs potpourri because it has the word "pot" in it. A guy who's spent the last 20-years on the streets peddling possessions for a fix and blowing dudes for directions to his next "score". Let him speak at an assembly...I don't know about you but the first time someone tells me that his hobby required him to spend his last Thanksgiving stuffing an butthole instead of a turkey...I'm thinking twice before filling out the sign-up forms.

The idea of being "PC" is made up - no need to carry it to the next level. Just try to be a good person and don't purposely offend people. If someone says that you offended them then apologize. If something really didn't offend you then don't act like it did because you think it could be offensive. This world is ridiculous -people just need to shut the fuck up and mind their own business. We have to constantly evaluate how we speak to cater to everyone else. What's next, anybody named Dick has to have their name legally changed to "Penis" because we don't want to offend others by having a slang name for a Penis as a birth name! If that's the case then we have to change Johnny, Harry, and Willie as well! Things are getting so bad that I just know one day I'm going to put on Nick at Nite only to find out there is a re-run of the Dick Van Lesbian show on TV now...sorry, the Penis Van Lesbian show!

VC is not PC

Consumer Monopoly

Why does every bug in the Midwest have to die on my windshield? Now my windshield looks like a meth addicts face! And why do they sell regular washer fluid and washer fluid with "bug remover" added in? I'm getting sick of having to "one-up" everything to the next brand in this country. It can't be fair that they make a product charge a price and then make the same product way better for a slightly higher price! It's like paying $18 for a condom and then $20 for a condom without holes in it!? This has to violate the law of consumer-dick-in-ass! It's time we take a stand! Fuck this consumer monopoly! And fuck the higher priced monopoly with pink $50's!

Self-Checkout...I'm Out

I can't stand going to the grocery store now and seeing the "Self-Checkout" lines. There is no possible way that is saving ANY time for ANYBODY. How could somebody who at most checks out their own shit one time a week possibly be any faster or anymore accurate than somebody who does it everyday for their job?

This country is getting lazier and lazier. To really kick you in the nuts and twist the knife upwards...they have a big fatass employee sitting at the end watching everybody check out their own stuff and if the customer is having any problems the employee will come over, show them how to do it, and go back and sit down.

GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ASS OVER HERE AND DO THIS! I'm the employee, you're the customer, why the fuck am I bagging my groceries. What's next, you go in for an oil change and you have to climb under the car to do it while they give you the play by play instructions. What a lazy genius the person who thought of this is.

And to top it off, we have bathroom attendants now...I have to bag my own groceries at the supermarket because they overstocked on a piss attendant...that's fair!

I refuse to check out my own shit - as a matter of fact, the next time I buy 100 items I'm going through the 10 item or less line 10 fucking times in a row.

Nothing Comes Easy

Why is everything that is good for you in this life so hard to get, but everything bad is so easy???

You can find street drugs in any town within 3 degrees of the first person you ask and they sell to everybody. To get prescription drugs you need doctor's permission and insurance otherwise you can only afford the shit on the street! To sign up for a new cable plan or cell phone plan you can walk into a store and talk to somebody and you are ready to go before you leave. To cancel because you're spending money...to cancel these services you need 4 hours to kill on the phone (this is because your call is getting transferred overseas...press 2 for Spanish and you'll get a bilingual white person). And then it ends up costing you more money to cancel than what your monthly bill was!

To start smoking you need a $5 pack of cigarettes and a 99 cent lighter. To quit smoking you need $55 for a pack of gum! Then you start gaining weight, so now you have to eat healthy! Subway is supposed to be the healthiest fast food establishment....just out of curiosity, what is the only fast food establishment that consistently never has a drive-thru?

Looking for answers in all the wrong places!