Keep It To Yourself

Welcome to another Sick, Twisted, and Tired of Being Fisted! Let's get right into it here with the newest installment "Keep It To Yourself". We are talking about Religion this time. In the spirit of this blog you can stand up, sit down, and kneel throughout the course of it!

If we’re going to start picking on any religions then I prefer we start with mine…Catholic…the Guilty Pleasure. This is the religion where these poor kids get sent to Sunday school against their own wishes to begin with…only to be subjected to an old man in a Poncho who finds no shame in humming the Old Testament on some new Testicles. You don’t find God in someone else’s pants! Lead by example, if half of us would have kept it in our pants we wouldn’t be here early on a Sunday morning, praying to God we didn’t catch a 4-letter disease last night. It’s 8am on a Sunday, if I’m kneeling over anything it should be the toilet. Do you KNOW how hung over I am? I’m downin’ communion wine with 3 Tylenol trying to cure this headache, I just barfed a holy wafer….HOLY MY ASS! Speed this up, let’s all sing a few more songs that don’t rhyme and get the hell outta here already.

I believe in God and I believe in a religious perspective, but there are some parts that I find a little hard to believe. Proving your religion to others is the one that baffles me. No need for a Turban, Dot, Branding, Scar, Scab, or Sacrifice! We get it, you're religious, good for you...keep it to yourself and let me believe what I want! I'm Catholic and I don’t believe I have to put ashes on my head to symbolize that I acknowledge the start of lent. I get that we’ve started a period of time in which religion is even more publicly displayed, but that is no reason that I need to spend an entire night looking like I joined some sort of Charles Manson street gang. Furthermore, I don’t believe I need to come out of church holding a leaf for Palm Sunday. I understand that we have a one week grace period before Easter, but that doesn’t mean I need to walk around town carrying a leaf like a Hawaiian Hooker!

The list goes on. I don’t believe that Adam and Eve “eating the fruit” is what made us all self-conscience of our private parts and forcing the need to cover them up. I think it was the first time Adam saw Jamal! Jamal came over doing the 3-legged race by himself. That must have been embarrassing in the Garden of Eden...Adam walking around in a fig leaf, Jamal walking around with a Palm Leaf! Now I’m starting to understand Palm Sunday, it was all penis envy! Which only further proves why you should avoid Ash Wednesday! Because what they do is take the palm leaves from the year before and burn them and use the remains for the Ashes. So at best, even if you believe the religious hype, you’re still doing nothing more than walking around with Jamal’s dick dust on your head all day.

But nobody is out there celebrating Jamalism! That would definitely be a different kind of Religion - everybody would have to tie their dick in a cross, saying your "Hail Mary" and "Where's Our Father", 12 Apostles preaching how you have to Superman that Hoe! Peace be with you dawg!

Maybe it's better to let people believe what they want...after all, it's safer than trying to preach something based on your understanding of it! In the name of the father, the son, and Jamal's balls, Amen!

VC
www.vincecarone.com