Carone's Complaints!

Shopping Cart Drivers

2010-03-25T23:50:00.000-05:00

Why does every body operate a shopping cart like an Asian behind the wheel of a car? I turn down an aisle yesterday to get some bread and there is a soccer mom squeezing her couch cushioned ass down the aisle and PULLING her cart! This is when the jello head in front of me gets pissed off and decides to pull a 3-point turn in about four feet of space to go the other way. This bottlenecked all of aisle four. One asshole pulls the wrong move and now we're all crammed like a threesome in a baby crib. To top it all off, I get the lady that left her brain in the car deciding to park her cart in front of the orange juice while she walks back to see what kind of chicken she wants for dinner. This was nice and convenient. This is when being a dick comes in handy...I grabbed all of the shit she had in her cart and walked it all back to it's original spot. Time to start over stupid - the world doesn't have time to dumb down to you. This is the same lady whose husband is waiting for her in the car, but parks right in front of the exit door so we all have to walk around. I have no problem following them all the way home with my shopping cart and plowing into them in their driveway.

3 Things I've Learned About Women

2010-03-24T23:10:00.000-05:00

There are three things I've learned about women in my lifetime.

1) They have to be sleeping by a certain time
2) They can't hold it when they have to go to the bathroom
3) They can't wait to eat when they are hungry

I've also learned that if you fuck with or get in the way of ANY of these three things, you are in for a broken roller coaster of emotions followed by a natural disaster.
Have you ever been arguing with your girlfriend and she got tired? She HAS to end that argument and go to bed. If you try to interfere she will spin her head around and scream so loud even Gothic kids would freak out. Girls have an inner-clock OCD and if you get in the way they will go Charles Starkweather on your ass.

If a girl has to go to the bathroom you HAVE to get her to a bathroom ASAP. When a guy has to hold it we just joke about how we have to piss. When a girl has to hold it they act like you're trying to steal their baby. They whine, complain, moan, and make it known to everybody. There is a chemical imbalance involved in urinary fluid for girls and it needs to be released or they turn homicidal.

If a girl is hungry then GET HER FOOD. It doesn't matter if she's a vegetarian.... pull over at a farm and take the leg off a cow! Girls need to eat and don't have the patience to wait. A girl will complain about her weight all night, but when the moon is full and their stomach starts growling, get a breadbasket, soup, salad, mints, appetizers, first course, second course, & dessert. And one of these things BETTER be chocolate!

The worst part is if a girl hears a noise in the middle of the night, they wake YOU up. If a girl brings a purse out with her and gets tired of carrying it, YOU hold it. And it’s always some big, bulky, ridiculously colored purse that makes you stand out like…a dude holding a big, bulky, ridiculously colored purse! And if you are not hungry a girl will still make you try everything she has! I’ll never understand women and that is why I will always maintain…they are the craziest, most psychotic people put on this planet!

Beer Bong...My Ass

2009-11-10T22:58:00.000-06:00

I read an article on the internet that a college kid died from taking a beer bong...in his ass! A beer bong in his ASS! For those of you who don't know what a beer bong is...it's a funnel connected to a 3 foot tube that you put your mouth on, a beer gets dumped into the funnel & you shoot a full beer in about 3 seconds. This guy stuck the tube in his ass! He stuck it in his ass, poured the beer, squeezed his cheeks and then butt-sucked the whole can of beer. Then he died of alcohol poisoning!

Now, you're supposed to go to college to FURTHER your education! I didn't go to college, but I'm pretty sure they teach basic anatomy/health. You can't just stick your meals directly in your ass and avoid the whole digestive process. How lazy are people? "Man, I'm starving! But, I don't want to chew, swallow, wait for this digest and have to shit later...I got an idea...HEY FRANK, you got any duct tape and a sling shot???"

How could you even be sad at that funeral? You would have to be walking past that casket with a mental picture of him laying face down on a gurney with a hose hanging out of his ass.

And what do you tell other people? His mom had to call people to let them know what happened. What did she say???

"Hi Mary, I just wanted to let you know that my son passed away..."

"Oh my God!!! What happened?"

"Well...remember when we pledged for a sorority, we had to swallow a live goldfish because that's how we got accepted?"

"Yeah"

"Yeah, well Jason stuck a beer bong in his ass because it was Friday!"

How do you react to something like that? Do you even try to spin it into a positive?

"Well, he liked beer and buttsex, this is how he would've wanted to go!"

Sometimes people even say "He had so much more to give"...No, he really didn't! I'd say when you've got a funnel in your ass, a cheering crowd and a butt full of booze, you've pretty much TAPPED OUT what you have to offer life!

VC

Tell Me All About It!

2009-10-30T18:32:00.000-05:00

I can’t stand it when people start talking to me online because they’re bored, but yet they don’t really have any conversation to make. They want somebody to speak to, but they make the other person do all the talking.

You’re sitting there working on something that’s of importance to you and you see the IM pop up and say, “What’s up?” This seems like a harmless instant message, so you put off your work for a second and say, “nm ,u?” This is when the other lazy shit-stain goes “nothing, so what’s new?” You lazy ass dipshit, now I am forced to come up with “what’s new” on the spot! If you’re bored go to Wikipedia, go to youtube, hotornot, ratemypoo, Rhapsody, or any other spot to fill in your boredom. Don’t come to me looking for answers to fill in your dead space you egotistical sloth. The reason you have so much time on your hands is because nobody WANTS to talk to you because your conversational skills are as good as a sandpaper condom! Pick up the slack a little bit and go do something with your life, this way the next time you talk to me you can start the conversation off with something YOU DID! I’m not bored, I have a life, you need to find yours…here’s a hint, get off the computer and go do something…if jerking off does make you go blind the computer will eventually be useless too and then you’re really fucked on conversation!

VC

I'd Like a....uh....uh

2009-10-28T11:15:00.000-05:00

I don’t exclude myself from the list of people that piss me off. I do stupid shit all the time that frustrates me just as much as someone else doing it!

Why is it every time I go to a restaurant and I want to order something I put the menu down confidant in what I’m getting…only to panic when the server comes over and have to open the menu back up to point at exactly what I want and read it slow like I developed a reading disorder in the two-minutes it took him to come over? What in our brain causes these stupid nuances? The same thing happens when I go through a drive-thru of a fast-food establishment. I’m all set on trying something new, but when I pull up to order my brain skips and I end up panicking and ordering the same old shit!

Do You Wanna Take My Picture?

2009-10-27T10:25:00.002-05:00

VC’s Rant of the Day is back. I’ve had some time off of bitching and moaning to the public, but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t writing down and keeping track of every fucking moron that has crossed my path in the past 6 months. This country is continually catering to the stupid and I don’t agree with it. We have dumb people driving smart cars and using smart phones! Day by day I will share with you some of my frustrations that I’ve encountered. Over time we will bond knowing that you don’t go through this stupid shit alone. Sit back and let’s attack!

First up on the shit list are people that ask strangers to take pictures of them and their friends. What used to be a once-in-a-while nice gesture has turned into a demanding egotistical daily dependence. You know the scenario: you’re in a line, waiting to get in some place, pissed off that you have to wait in line to begin with…when all of a sudden out comes four whores and two stumbling boners laughing and giggling. They look at you and ask with a loud, drunken slur “CAN YOU TAKE A PICTURE OF US???” Now you’re stuck at a crossroad because if you say “yes” you will get sucked into them teaching you how to use a camera. Thanks for the technology lesson Mensa, now get over there and pose you drunken hooch. Then this group of wobbly waste can’t seem to get their shit together while trying to pose and asks you to take 3-4 pictures. However, if you say “no” you risk having to talk to these idiots longer and explain your reasoning while essentially cock-blocking yourself from whoever is watching this unfold in line with you.

Whatever happened to the old days of taking your own pictures? Remember when you would get your film developed and you didn’t know what the picture was going to look like until you got it? It was a crapshoot at that point. You’d get them developed and see that in your ONE picture in front of the Eiffel Tower some asshole gave you bunny ears and now THAT'S your memory in the scrapbook for the rest of your life. It really doesn’t make any sense! Days when we had cheap, disposable, $5 cameras we took less pictures and every picture had a family member or a friend missing because they were the ones taking the picture! Now, we have digital cameras that cost hundreds of dollars and we trust strangers to hold our cameras and take multiple pictures, which drains the battery and burns out the lens quicker! Do we really need 18 different pictures of the same exact shit? And now that we can take hundreds of pictures as opposed to the old days of 24 pictures MAX, we take pictures of every piece of shit out there…LITERALLY…I’ve seen a website called ratemypoo.com where people actually take a picture of their shit and post it on the internet for others to rate if it was a good one!

I long for the days that you developed the film and realized Mark didn’t have a head because your thumb got in the way. If you really want to do your part, going forward, each and every time that you take a picture for someone else…stick your middle finger right in front of it at the last second and say “fuck you, it’s not your wedding, I’m not your photographer, I don’t work for free and you’re too ugly to capture at this moment anyway…when you wake up and look in the mirror tomorrow you’ll be thanking me for cutting off your head in this picture tonight!”

VC

Politically Defect

2009-07-12T21:17:00.003-05:00

I just want everyone to know that I don't try to be "politically correct". I'm not worried about offending or hurting feelings. I'm also not looking TO offend anybody or hurt their feelings...I just want people to laugh at the stuff I've found ridiculous over time. All too often we have to cover up for what we really want to say because it's not "PC". Isn't that cute how we assigned "Politically Correct" an acronym so the word SEEMS more important??? I don't know about you, but I don't want to walk around in my daily life having all the roads replaced with eggshells.

I think back to when I was a kid...I would mess something up and my Grandpa would say "Hey, idiot, get your shit together!" He wasn't worried about my "feelings"...he was preparing me for the real world. The only real world kids know now is the MTV show!

Due to the artificial laws of staying "PC" we can't call anybody an idiot anymore, we can't say the word "gay" as an adjective anymore, we can't say "that's retarded", we can't show tattoos in a work environment, and co-workers can't laugh at off-color jokes anymore. In fact, we can't have "color" involved in our vocabulary at all anymore. We can't say "black people, white people, Indians" anymore. Instead we have to say "Caucasians, African-Americas, and Native Americans". The white people are the only ones without "Americans" in our politically correct assigned title! We actually have the word "Asian" in our title. We're Caucasians...if you say it fast it actually sounds like "Caulk-Asian". Maybe that's the hidden meaning, we're just white Asians! When I grew up we played Cops & Robbers...now kids play Police Officer and innocent until proven guilty suspects!

I remember when the only pre-requisite to tell a black joke was to look both ways to make sure there weren't any black people in the immediate area. Now in order to tell an African-American joke we have to get a fucking letter of approval from Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. And I'm not a racist, it's a fucking joke! You can make fun of me and shit on me all day long, it's a fucking joke! I don't pretend to get mad to uphold some fictional, bullshit view of being "PC". And I don't think that black people are so jaded that they expect everybody to hold back on "jokes". Black people have a great sense of humor as long as it's a joke. In fact, by us avoiding telling black jokes about them to them, that could be considered racist couldn't it? What, black people aren't good enough for a joke all of a sudden?

And I know there is a history and we have to be sensitive to the subject. I'm just saying everybody can take a step back and laugh without feeling like you have to be offended because of a made up phrase. Was their slavery, yes! Was it wrong, of course! Anybody involved in an act of degrading another human being the way that black people were once treated and handled should be hung by their nutsac and beat with a negro league Louisville Slugger until their bones become a bisque soup. But I don't think me making a "black people have huge penises" joke throws me into that category of bigotry. If we could learn to laugh with each other and at our own expense I think we'd all be a lot better off.

I think the mere suggestion of being "PC" is the only reason that anybody even remotely gives a shit to begin with. It seems that every time something is brought up in this country we have to exploit it. I have the same view on the "DARE" program at school. Drug Abuse Resistance Education. Keeping kids off of drugs is a good idea. But the more we exploit the issue and say "don't do it"...the more tempting it becomes. Look what Adam and Eve did with a fucking apple for crying out loud...can you imagine how tempted kids are with a joint after all those years of preaching! You wanna keep kids off drugs then stop bringing in rehabilitated people to give motivational seminars on how bad they used to be but were able to clean up their act. That doesn't solve anything, all that does is show kids "this is how much you can fuck up and still turn everything around"! You really want to help, bring in one of the city's finest...a cracked out Chicago street bum that huffs potpourri because it has the word "pot" in it. A guy who's spent the last 20-years on the streets peddling possessions for a fix and blowing dudes for directions to his next "score". Let him speak at an assembly...I don't know about you but the first time someone tells me that his hobby required him to spend his last Thanksgiving stuffing an butthole instead of a turkey...I'm thinking twice before filling out the sign-up forms.

The idea of being "PC" is made up - no need to carry it to the next level. Just try to be a good person and don't purposely offend people. If someone says that you offended them then apologize. If something really didn't offend you then don't act like it did because you think it could be offensive. This world is ridiculous -people just need to shut the fuck up and mind their own business. We have to constantly evaluate how we speak to cater to everyone else. What's next, anybody named Dick has to have their name legally changed to "Penis" because we don't want to offend others by having a slang name for a Penis as a birth name! If that's the case then we have to change Johnny, Harry, and Willie as well! Things are getting so bad that I just know one day I'm going to put on Nick at Nite only to find out there is a re-run of the Dick Van Lesbian show on TV now...sorry, the Penis Van Lesbian show!

VC is not PC

Consumer Monopoly

2008-07-16T22:52:00.000-05:00

Why does every bug in the Midwest have to die on my windshield? Now my windshield looks like a meth addicts face! And why do they sell regular washer fluid and washer fluid with "bug remover" added in? I'm getting sick of having to "one-up" everything to the next brand in this country. It can't be fair that they make a product charge a price and then make the same product way better for a slightly higher price! It's like paying $18 for a condom and then $20 for a condom without holes in it!? This has to violate the law of consumer-dick-in-ass! It's time we take a stand! Fuck this consumer monopoly! And fuck the higher priced monopoly with pink $50's!

Self-Checkout...I'm Out

2008-07-16T22:51:00.001-05:00

I can't stand going to the grocery store now and seeing the "Self-Checkout" lines. There is no possible way that is saving ANY time for ANYBODY. How could somebody who at most checks out their own shit one time a week possibly be any faster or anymore accurate than somebody who does it everyday for their job?

This country is getting lazier and lazier. To really kick you in the nuts and twist the knife upwards...they have a big fatass employee sitting at the end watching everybody check out their own stuff and if the customer is having any problems the employee will come over, show them how to do it, and go back and sit down.

GET YOUR FAT FUCKING ASS OVER HERE AND DO THIS! I'm the employee, you're the customer, why the fuck am I bagging my groceries. What's next, you go in for an oil change and you have to climb under the car to do it while they give you the play by play instructions. What a lazy genius the person who thought of this is.

And to top it off, we have bathroom attendants now...I have to bag my own groceries at the supermarket because they overstocked on a piss attendant...that's fair!

I refuse to check out my own shit - as a matter of fact, the next time I buy 100 items I'm going through the 10 item or less line 10 fucking times in a row.

Nothing Comes Easy

2008-07-16T22:50:00.001-05:00

Why is everything that is good for you in this life so hard to get, but everything bad is so easy???

You can find street drugs in any town within 3 degrees of the first person you ask and they sell to everybody. To get prescription drugs you need doctor's permission and insurance otherwise you can only afford the shit on the street! To sign up for a new cable plan or cell phone plan you can walk into a store and talk to somebody and you are ready to go before you leave. To cancel because you're spending money...to cancel these services you need 4 hours to kill on the phone (this is because your call is getting transferred overseas...press 2 for Spanish and you'll get a bilingual white person). And then it ends up costing you more money to cancel than what your monthly bill was!

To start smoking you need a $5 pack of cigarettes and a 99 cent lighter. To quit smoking you need $55 for a pack of gum! Then you start gaining weight, so now you have to eat healthy! Subway is supposed to be the healthiest fast food establishment....just out of curiosity, what is the only fast food establishment that consistently never has a drive-thru?

Looking for answers in all the wrong places!

Born Again Virgins

2008-07-16T22:49:00.000-05:00

We actually have Born Again Virgins now - people that think that they can somehow undo what was "did". Born Again Virgins are just Whores that have come to their senses. I find it a ridiculous notion that just because you've come to a realization that you can completely change the past. You're supposed to do better going forward! Nobody is gonna baptize your box....it's a vagina not a bean bag....you can't just restuff it and sew it and have it be brand new! Sorry you weren't content with the past 18 encounters, but there is no "re-do"! Going forward you need to start checking credentials before you let just anyone work there!

The Verdict on Jury Duty

2008-05-13T09:28:00.000-05:00

Next on the shit-list for Sick, Twisted, and Tired of Being Fisted is Jury Duty! Here's my question: Why the FUCK does everybody qualify for Jury Duty? Doesn't that seem a little unfair to have your fate decided by a lottery of the general public? The GENERAL PUBLIC?!?! There's been times that I've requested a different person serve me my fuckin' fries...and now this dented-head is gonna decide if somebody else should fry???

I think a Jury Panel should be a regular working 9-5 job. They should screen applicants, interview them, make sure they are capable of human logic and understanding and pay them a yearly salary accordingly to be professional Jurors and listen to these cases each day. Do we really need the general public in on this? Who wants to go to jail because someone didn't check the pH level in their head before they left the house one day?!?

"I'm sorry your honor, but I don't feel its right that I'm getting 3 to 5 because Timothy Pygmy over here is 3 foot 5 and can't even see over the desk to make a fucking educated decision!

And I'm not saying I would be a good juror - I don't take the system seriously...I'd be terrible if I ever got picked! If I'm in a bad mood one day I'm not being objective...I'm being selective! Somebody is fuckin' going to jail for my personal opinions. YOU, the dick-bag that hit the old lady with his car at the grocery store, you're going to jail!!! Not because you hit the old lady, but because you went to the grocery store. You give all us lazy men in America a bad rap with our girlfriends because you do shit like go to the grocery store. Quit stepping it up and being motivated...you're making it harder on the rest of us. Now we all have to be compared to you because you tried to go above and beyond the call of duty. Maybe some time in jail doing NOTHING will be exactly what you need to start living up to your reputation in this society!

The whole thing is a scam and its waste of time and money. You have to drive, pay for parking, pay for gas, buy your own lunch, take a day off work...and at the end they give you a fucking $17 check. You think ANYBODY is going into this day with the right mind set? You think the people on trial are relieved knowing that they are at the mercy of a mid-week, mid-day American mindset? Aggravation like this is the reason that half these people are on trial anyway.

We are wasting our time filling the jails with victims of meaningless crimes. We should put these people to work as part of their sentence...get some use out of them! I'm pretty sure the roads could use a little touch-up work. These roads have more divots than a crystal meth addict's face! I can't be the only one that feels that for 4-dollars a gallon the roads should be made out of Angelina Jolie's vagina! Let's get these assholes out looking for oil in untapped areas....I know its got to be a lot cheaper to drill for oil than it is to bomb for it!

VC

People Who Need a Home Together

2008-04-21T23:57:00.001-05:00

I complain a lot, I understand that...but when things week in and week out have you talking to yourself about their constant stupidity, how do you not vent that and share it with others? I'd rather be the voice than the ears! I've always been good at sharing too much and it doesn't stop here. Too many people each day are out there drawing attention to themselves in a negative way and it has to stop! Sick, Twisted and Tired of Being Fisted now moves onto "People That Need a Home Together"!

I hate anybody with a bad attitude towards customers after CHOOSING a shitty job. This includes tollbooth workers, the DMV hell pit, post office defects, and casino workers. Nobody made you work there...with your personality I'm surprised you aren't quitting your job to buy a piece of cardboard and a Sharpie. I'd rather donate you money knowing you're in your natural habitat...on the streets by yourself. Fuck off and smile for once...

Guys who count their drinks...Here's an idea...count your blowjobs! I bet that number is lower than your limp dick.

People who take forever in line at McDonalds...Fuck me! Folks, they haven't changed the menu in 30 fucking years. I don't trust anybody's driving decisions that can't choose a number in less than a minute. Get a burger, get a chicken, get fries, get a Diet Coke, and get the fuck out of the drive-thru.

People with a logical answer to a rhetorical complaint! You say "I don't know why this asshole is going so slow" and your friend says "he's probably got something in the trunk that he doesn't want broken if he speeds and hits a bump". Hey, anything can be made logical brainwave, but the complaining is what bonds us. Here's one…why didn't your mom have an abortion?

Teenage boys who think it's cool all of a sudden to not shower and look like an anorexic grease monkey. You've seen them...tight jeans, greasy black hair, shirts that barely fit, and pale skin. It's just a pre-pubescent cry for attention. And I say "cry" because that's what they do when they listen to music about how unfair of a world they live in. The only thing unfair is that they can't grow facial hair on that eclipse they call a face. The only time they ever used a razor was to slit their wrists...and it was a safety razor at that. That won't even leave a scar. I want to steal a pair of those shoes with the wheels in the heels, skitch on over and beat the shit out of them with their skateboard!

And finally....girls that wear pajama pants everywhere! Hey, listen Ms. "I don't know why guys won't respect me"...maybe if you didn't parade around town like you'd rather be in bed, every guy wouldn't try to fuck you! Respect for yourself equals respect from others. But until then, be prepared to be a lint-roller for scum bags cause you're gonna pick up all of 'em. You make your own bed...you gotta have a one-night stand in it!

Keep complaining…once you become complacent something will fuck it up!

VC

Keep It To Yourself

2008-04-10T00:38:00.000-05:00

Welcome to another Sick, Twisted, and Tired of Being Fisted! Let's get right into it here with the newest installment "Keep It To Yourself". We are talking about Religion this time. In the spirit of this blog you can stand up, sit down, and kneel throughout the course of it!

If we’re going to start picking on any religions then I prefer we start with mine…Catholic…the Guilty Pleasure. This is the religion where these poor kids get sent to Sunday school against their own wishes to begin with…only to be subjected to an old man in a Poncho who finds no shame in humming the Old Testament on some new Testicles. You don’t find God in someone else’s pants! Lead by example, if half of us would have kept it in our pants we wouldn’t be here early on a Sunday morning, praying to God we didn’t catch a 4-letter disease last night. It’s 8am on a Sunday, if I’m kneeling over anything it should be the toilet. Do you KNOW how hung over I am? I’m downin’ communion wine with 3 Tylenol trying to cure this headache, I just barfed a holy wafer….HOLY MY ASS! Speed this up, let’s all sing a few more songs that don’t rhyme and get the hell outta here already.

I believe in God and I believe in a religious perspective, but there are some parts that I find a little hard to believe. Proving your religion to others is the one that baffles me. No need for a Turban, Dot, Branding, Scar, Scab, or Sacrifice! We get it, you're religious, good for you...keep it to yourself and let me believe what I want! I'm Catholic and I don’t believe I have to put ashes on my head to symbolize that I acknowledge the start of lent. I get that we’ve started a period of time in which religion is even more publicly displayed, but that is no reason that I need to spend an entire night looking like I joined some sort of Charles Manson street gang. Furthermore, I don’t believe I need to come out of church holding a leaf for Palm Sunday. I understand that we have a one week grace period before Easter, but that doesn’t mean I need to walk around town carrying a leaf like a Hawaiian Hooker!

The list goes on. I don’t believe that Adam and Eve “eating the fruit” is what made us all self-conscience of our private parts and forcing the need to cover them up. I think it was the first time Adam saw Jamal! Jamal came over doing the 3-legged race by himself. That must have been embarrassing in the Garden of Eden...Adam walking around in a fig leaf, Jamal walking around with a Palm Leaf! Now I’m starting to understand Palm Sunday, it was all penis envy! Which only further proves why you should avoid Ash Wednesday! Because what they do is take the palm leaves from the year before and burn them and use the remains for the Ashes. So at best, even if you believe the religious hype, you’re still doing nothing more than walking around with Jamal’s dick dust on your head all day.

But nobody is out there celebrating Jamalism! That would definitely be a different kind of Religion - everybody would have to tie their dick in a cross, saying your "Hail Mary" and "Where's Our Father", 12 Apostles preaching how you have to Superman that Hoe! Peace be with you dawg!

Maybe it's better to let people believe what they want...after all, it's safer than trying to preach something based on your understanding of it! In the name of the father, the son, and Jamal's balls, Amen!

VC
www.vincecarone.com

I'm a Man of Ideas...Just Not the Right Ones!

2008-03-13T22:46:00.004-05:00

When life hands you a lemon...be wary, ask questions, scrutinize that lemon...don't just accept it at face value and move on. It's time we be a little skeptical about things that are handed to us in life. We get dealt a lot of bullshit in life and once in a while we have to fold. Why do we just accept mediocrity and hypocrisies? Are we too lazy to question anything? The good news is I don't mind saying the things you don't want to say and I don't mind asking the questions you don't want to ask. VC has been doing a lot of observing lately and has a few things to add to the Sick, Twisted, and Tired of Being Fisted blog. This one is entitled "I'm a Man of Ideas - Just Not the Right Ones".

Why does Walgreens continue to be higher priced than every other store in the surrounding area? I blame myself for continuing to shop there...but they make it so easy to impulse buy, ESPECIALLY at the check-out counter! I'm standing in line with my 2 sticks of Deodorant for $9 (which shouldn't seem like a bargain, but it does) - and next thing I know I'm buying a vibrating pen, 6 lighters and a Cadbury Egg for no other reason except, they were there. I think the real reason they have all that shit in line at Walgreens is to keep you from focusing on the stuff that the other customers are purchasing in line. We all know that Walgreens is where we can pick up prescriptions and any last minute remedies for whatever new disease we think we might have. They figure if I start playing with the vibrating pen then I won't notice the guy next to me ringing up a 72oz bottle of Gay-Y Jelly and his anti-crotch pocks cream. Walgreens is a scamming shit-hole that I would boycott all together, but I can't because I never know when I'm gonna get the sudden urge to pick up 3 sweat-shirts for $10 and dissolving tablets for my typhoid fever (which is awkward cause I haven't played the Oregon Trail since I was 7).

Quick side note: Wouldn't it be awesome to put out a reality TV show based on the Oregon Trail? We get 4 families and they get a wagon, oxen, and 12 days to make it across the country. They have to shoot buffalo's to eat...but the producers also unload a shitload of rabbits that they will constantly miss with the bullets! Every 3 days we get someone from a 3rd-world country and let them lay all around the wagon to pass along a new disease that the family will have to outlast for the rest of the trip. I know I'd stay home to watch that over "I Love New York" - let that ugly bitch lead the wagon.

Finally - my last complaint of the week....I saw a package of condoms that said on it "For Her Pleasure"! Just how much can condoms fucking suck? It already feels like we're banging an ottoman, now we're going to continue to enhance HER half of this? Can we possibly make a condom for HIS pleasure? Excuse me for being selfish here...but FUCK! Having sex with a condom is like getting a birthday card without money...it's a nice gesture, unfortunately it doesn't do anything for us. Some condoms are made out of sheep skin...now, I've never fucked a sheep before, but if this condom is any prelude then I think I'd rather rub my pecker over sandpaper than hump into this hopeless sperm catcher. Everything about a condom is a turn off: the look, the smell, the disposal of it after you're done. I've never just been able to throw one in the garbage and I certainly don't feel like pigeon walking to the bathroom afterwards to flush it. 9 times out of 10 it ends up sitting on a table for a few hours or goes into a pop can that I had laying around. They should scrap the condom idea and come up with something new...like an electrical current that you can connect to your balls that detects when you are about to cum and fries all your sperm on the way out! If they can make dildo's with a V-8 Engine then why can't they come up with a better way to feel the love between two people on a drunken night!

Until next time...I'll obviously be masturbating...alone

VC

Customer Disservice

2008-02-28T12:02:00.001-06:00

I'd like to start out with a topic that really makes me want to work for the post office just so I can go postal....customer service. Or, as it should be called "Customer Disservice"! I can not stand how shitty the customer service is in this country. I'm talking about when they try to HELP you! That's the part that really makes me mad. I'm not in the store five fucking seconds yet and I've got seven people asking me what I'm looking for, what size do I need, what they can help me find, if I need anything special, if I'd like to sign up for Direct TV! LET ME BROWSE! That's the fun of shopping is to go out and look for stuff yourself and try to convince yourself to buy it. I don't need 52-year old, Skanky Marie hounding me the second I walk through the door just because she gets a commission. "CAN I HELP YOU?" Yes, you can go tell your boss that the reason I am leaving your store is because you're ugly and over-bearing! I came out today to escape my life and look to walk around Best Buy contemplating what my next major purchase would be...but because you are a relentless crotch weasel, I will be taking my business to a different establishment! Who am I kidding, it will probably just a Best Buy in another area. Cause I NEED Best Buy, I can't write them off completely. They hook me with that rewards-zone program. You know that program where if you spend $8000 you get a $5 gift card....that's a great deal! We convince ourselves that these are great deals...it's like when you go to Vegas and spend $36.50 on a drink but you get to KEEP the cup! Then you look like an asshole carrying a 3-ft cup with you everywhere you go!

Outsourcing!!! Companies are trying to save money by laying off the Americans and sending THEIR work overseas to be done by countries we aren't even getting along with. Everything goes to India or to the Arabs! This idea is a turd that splatters when it hits the water. I know that I am not the only one that is getting sick of calling customer service and hearing "Press One for English". You press one and what do you hear??? Makmood Allybooba Ahmed Bin Quasar answering the phone in an Indian accent! Look, I pressed one, not 7-11...how the fuck did I get you on the phone? Don't you camelshit a bullshitter! Learn to speak the language and slow the fuck down when you talk. Why do you need a motor tongue anyway, you don't even let your women keep their private parts??? The only way to get somebody that speaks English when you call customer service now is to press 2 for Spanish. Because then you get a bilingual white person on the phone. This dyslexic is so country! I'm waiting for the day that they start playing music when they put me on hold. That's all I need to hear is the first all Arab boy band group "N'Sand"...with their first hit single "Allah must've spent a little more time on you!" Time to Barack O-Bomb them!

Let's do this dance!

VC

The Wrong People Are Walking

2008-02-28T12:00:00.001-06:00

VC is back with another one of those cock-blockin' blogs! With so many atrocities and so little time, I worked extra hard to make sure I had the two most annoying situations in my head for this blog. Let's do this dance!

My first shout-out is to guys who buy a brand new car and then park it so fucking far away that you'd be better off taking public transportation to get where you need to go. Somebody needs to check the pH level in their head before handing them over keys to a vehicle. What the fuck is the point of buying a really nice new car if you're going to have to take three taxi's and a shuttle to get to the front door every time? It's a car Nancy...not a girlfriend ok? Not everybody is looking to hit it! And what makes this oatmeal brain think that assholes don't park in the back of a lot? I've got news for ya, I drove a shitbox for many years and due to the fact that vagina doesn't come flockin' and flappin' to a LeBaron, I had to park as far away from windows and doors as humanly possible. I wasn't even allowed to park in my own driveway because my car leaked more fluid than George Bush's head during a speech. Holy shit, i haven't seen that many botched lines since Michael J. Fox tried cocaine! But what pisses me off even more than this guy are handicapped people with really nice cars...don't fucking rub it in! You already got the best spot - drive a beater like the rest of us!

Next up is a blast from the past! I understand people want to lose weight and I'm a big fan of being supportive and helping out. However, being the snotty hot girl 10 years ago in high school doesn't mean that you still have the cheerleader body now, so drop the fucking attitude! The girls who were ugly then took care of themselves and got in shape or stayed in shape while you were out pledging for Rack-of-Lamba Chi. The girls you used to pick on were dropping sizes while you were shot gunning a wheel of cheese to get accepted. You and the rest of the stable can now enjoy your sleep overs nicely dubbed "pigs in a blanket" while the rest of go on and try to become better citizens. It's not the clothes, it's not the mirror, and I'm certainly not looking at you every day through a camera....you've clearly gained 10 pounds if not 50. I'm tired of lying and so is the public! The days of kissing your ass are now over as the size of your ass has increased and we no longer have that kind of time. You may have been the flavor of the month once, but that went out when you started eating all 31! It's time to throw in the towel...or pick one up on your way to the treadmill!

Until next time - your comments are appreciated and thank you for reading! I wouldn't be my friend either!

VC

Just a Thought...

2008-02-19T15:23:00.001-06:00

We have drug tests in this country for jobs and just standard/random drug tests for kids and employees.

Now, if we can do that and there are consequences for testing positive for marijuana....then why can't we have random testing that screens people to see if they are taking their prescribed medication that keeps them from going crazy? If you are bi-polar, have depression, or split personalities amongst many other diseases and illnesses - you are prescribed a medication that helps you get better as long as you take it. If you don't take that medication then you become a threat to yourself and society.

I think that if you get tested and the test results show that you do not take your prescribed medication on a regular basis as instructed then you should be immediately fined and be sentenced to jail for a period of time. This way if you go off the deep-end you're just taking out many of our other reckless citizens and not innocent people going about their day.

Last I checked marijuana has NEVER been the cause of a school shooting or a public killing spree...but lack of prescription medication seems to be the case 90% of the time. And while we’re talking about lack of screening, how the fuck does somebody that is has been medically proven to be bi-polar or manic depressant get a gun?

I have compassion for anybody with a mental illness because I do not believe the illness is their fault - but I do believe it is their responsibility to take care of it. Instead now more innocent people have to die only moments before this person takes their own life.
Life will never make sense…

VC "For Dummies"

2008-02-11T14:12:00.001-06:00

Remember when you were younger and you would buy a video game and skip reading the instructions...you just kept playing and playing until you learned how to do it? Or remember when you would steal the report cards out of the mail when you were in high school...you didn't have that great of a system for doing it, but as the years went on you learned how to get better at it? Those are the times to keep in mind because you were doing something to better yourself and teach yourself new things. We've come to a point in life now where we don't mind lowering test scores and putting more dumb fucks through the system.

It's getting worse as time goes on now too. We have lowered our standards and self-respect so much in this country that we actually have an entire book series available "For Dummies". I know you've seen those yellow books, we all have...they are a nationwide phenomenon. We have "Computers for Dummies", "Laundry for Dummies", "Cooking for Dummies", "Governing for Dummies"...(we should have at least sold one copy of that). But we have all these books "For Dummies". Whatever happened to just simple instructions or passing down information? Have we honestly reached a point where we have just become "OK" with being so stupid & lazy that we are willing to call ourselves "Dummies" to make things easier? Do you really think the writer and the reader are both laughing at the title for the same reasons? The marketing guru's behind those books have to be laughing their way to the bank each and every time somebody purchases one of those books...ESPECIALLY if somebody buys one off of the Internet. THE INTERNET...the fucking instruction capital of the world. Look, between Google, Wikipedia, and YouTube...if you can't figure out something off the internet then it's time to scrap the dummy book and save up for a lobotomy & a counselor because you're an official water head! Get a wet-vac and clean out your brain! I learned how to do the Soulja Boy dance on youtube last week...don't tell me you can't use the paperclip to help you through Microsoft outlook!

We do everything backwards! This is a country where we teach everybody to treat retarded people like normal people and to give them the same opportunities as everybody else...and not to stare at them. Then you cut-scene and what do you see? There they all are being grouped together while riding around in a small yellow bus that sticks out like...a bunch of retarded people riding around in a small yellow bus! How do you possibly explain that bus to anybody without sounding like an asshole? Mommy why is that bus smaller than that bus? Because honey, that's the retarded bus! The bus is retarded mommy? No honey, the bus isn't retarded...the people ON the bus are retarded...they are special but treat them like anybody else...even though the bus system doesn't!

Where are our values and morals coming from? Who gets to decide whats a good idea and what makes sense? This is a country that has a dress code at a strip club!!! Somebody is doing some serious fist-fucking with this rule. A dress code at a strip club!!! Are you kidding me? This lady just picked up a twenty-dollar bill with her bug-zapper...and my zipped hoodie isn't up to snuff for this establishment? Apparently a naked, inverted, pole-climb is to only be viewed by those perverts with class! This way these whores don't feel as cheap and as dirty! And I'm sorry if this offends any strippers...but you shouldn't be online reading this, you should be out working to finish paying off your "education"! RIGHT! And I get a lap dance for the "conversation"! BULLSHIT...we're here to lie to each other and make each other feel good for a few minutes. If you want to do this right then you go buy me "Dating for Dummies", I'll buy you "Self-Respect for Dummies" and we'll both leave this house of no-dignity and move on with our lives. If that doesn't work for you then slap my next twenty-dollar bill to your ass and let's have another 3-minute dance during Soulja Boy to talk it out! I'm in it to win it!

"Superman that Hoe" - it's good advice!

Relationship Scams, Jams, Turns and Burns!

2008-01-27T20:59:00.001-06:00

This topic is “Relationship scams, jams, turns, and burns!” When you’re dating someone you go through a roller coaster of emotions and feelings, however, when things go bad and you break-up you feel like you’re all alone in the world and nobody could possibly understand what you’re going through. The twisted part is that EVERYBODY can understand what you’re going through because we ALL go through the same break-up psychosis…we just don’t share it with anybody. That’s why I’m here.

Let’s start with break up scams…have you ever been dumped by somebody and after they dump you THEY start crying? Is that not the fucking Oceans 11 of break-up scams? You start feeling bad for them crying, but they are crying because they left you…so when you cut the bullshit, you’re feeling bad for them dumping you! WHERE THE FUCK IS THE LOGIC IN THAT? I’ve had girls dump me and then call me up needing my assistance in their time of depression. They caused all this pain and suffering and now they need MY help in getting over ME! Maybe I’m insensitive, but that’s like Hitler going to a Jewish therapist! You make your own bed…you got to sleep alone in it!

Don’t think that I’m over here having all the fun now that you dumped me…I’m just as depressed as you are but I’m a little more realistic in how I deal with my depression. I get into my car and take a nice leisurely drive past your house just to see if you are home. There is no rhyme or reason for me doing this, in fact, I don’t even have a game plan as to what to do whether you’re home or not…but for some reason, if your car is at your house it comforts me. And of course since I’ve turned into “VC the Suburban Stalker” at this point, I have to drive past your house at 70 miles an hour with my coat in the window and my headlights out! This is in case you’re outside you won’t know it’s me! Yeah, that’s never obvious…my car pulling a “Days of Thunder” down your street at midnight! Of course there is always that awkward phone call with you IF I got caught. “Vince, where are you right now?”…”I’m out looking for my car and my coat, I think they ran off with my dignity”!

You ever end up calling them from *67 so much that they end up programming you in their phone as “Don’t Answer”? I guarantee you that *67 was invented by some down-hearted loser at the phone company with their newly acquired break-up psychosis acting in place of good-judgment. The thing I found most concerning about calling from *67 is that you never offer your ex a reason as to why all of a sudden you’re calling from a blocked number! You think that you’ve pulled off the Houdini of phone calls while they are at their house getting ready for their new Friday night lay. And don’t worry, you’ll find out all about it because you’ll stupidly call again on Saturday and ask!

You’re in a world of bewilderment when someone stomps your heart. It feels like you are treading water and are doing anything you can just to stay afloat. The phone conversations start getting great when you are planning the entire conversation in your head word-for-word before you even call them from a blocked #. This would be great except that these conversations always go awry within the first few minutes…leaving you to try and keep the person on the phone for an hour while you try and think of your personal Gettysburg. This just results in you repeating yourself in 14 different ways. You start digging a hole so deep that you’re 2-inches away from poking the devil in the ass with your shovel! You know you’ve got nothing left in the tank once you get to the point of proposing to them. I’m not even sure how we convince ourselves to do this. “Hey I have nothing to my name, no ring, no future, and you obviously don’t want me even as a boyfriend…but I was wondering if you’d marry me!” What’s worse is we always seem so offended when they say NO!

You’ve completely compromised yourself and all of your beliefs, but you will keep sinking further and further thinking it will help you. The reality is, you’re not depressed because they are gone…you’re depressed because a part of YOU is gone. You need to find yourself and THAT is why you have your friends. The problem with your friends is that you only give them half of the break-up story…you just tell them about what she did to you. You never mention the stupid bullshit you’ve been doing since the break-up that is making it worse. This causes your friends to give you advice that you hate…but what else are they supposed to do after you’ve had the same exact conversation 42 days in a row. You go to your friends for advice, but you always come up with a way to reverse the advice and make it non-applicable. They will be like “Vince, there are plenty of fish in the sea” and then I go “Yeah, but I want the one that I smelled in her pants!”

Dating Tips...

2008-01-27T20:56:00.000-06:00

I recently read an article on the internet that was titled “Tips for Pregnant Women Who Want to Start Dating”! This one really took me by surprise. Tips for pregnant women who want to START dating!!! Here's a tip: STOP FUCKING! Can we take down the whore just a little bit ladies? A pregnancy lasts nine months…if it didn’t work out with you and the one night gang bang that got you pregnant, then I vote that you put the “I gotta have a dick” urge on hold for a few months. There is no need to run to the internet looking for the top 5 sexual positions that a fetus won’t feel! But this article had tips…the one tip was “Be honest when meeting someone”! HONEST??? I think you almost HAVE to lie? Are there really guys out there who find out a girl is pregnant and are like “well, at least she was honest…I think I’ll invest in this relationship!”??? Hell no, that’s like buying a boat with a hole in it…you know it’s gonna drag you under…it’s just a matter of time! The picture that instantly came to my mind when I read this article title was the picture of the drunk, pregnant lady at the local town carnival each year! This is the one who wears a shirt small enough so you are forced to see her newly acquired fertilized stomach sticking out so far it'll make Jared’s ass jealous. I can’t be the only person getting tired of playing peek-a-boo belly! I think this picture should be the national contraceptive sign. On every package of condoms should be a picture of this lady’s stomach in a circle with a red-line going through it!

Spelling Bee...The Natural Contraceptive!

2008-01-27T20:55:00.000-06:00

I turned on the TV the other day only to find the National Spelling Bee Championships are on! WOW, here's a lively bunch of kids! Prodigy units spawned out of the book worm of a dick from their dads tangled testicles! How does a group that looks like this possibly come together??? This group consisted of every comb over, braces flashin’, unibrow'd, fruit-of-the-loomed, four-eyed, freckle-faced, fuck-tard they could find. These light bulb heads can spell the word “dignity” without flinching, but obviously don't have the slightest clue what it means! Let’s all congratulate these parents as they've just ensured their child’s impotency for life! The only time one of these braniacs will EVER have their genitals touched is if they get a tattoo of their favorite pronoun on their dick! I watched this Eight-year old from Afghanistan go up there and knock out the word "Totalitarian" in 2.5 seconds! Fuck this terrorist! Guess I shouldn't have been surprised when he needed the language of origin to spell "Independence"! The highlight of this entire event is watching these kids when they finally spell a word wrong and get eliminated. Ohhh, the tears of pain! Listen up fire-starter…you'll never have a girlfriend, you'll never get laid, you'll never have friends, you're gonna grow up perfecting Sudoku while masturbating to Jeopardy! People are gonna pick on you, co-workers are gonna hate you, and your parents will eventually become ashamed of you...perhaps forgetting how to spell "anomaly" isn't the worst of your problems yet! Now, button up your fly, velcro your shoes, go sit down and play with your good luck retainer and watch the other kids mess up and come to that realization...R E A L I Z A T I O N…realization!

Take Care of Your Kids!

2008-01-27T20:54:00.000-06:00

PARENTING! I think we need some better parenting in this country. I just find it amazing that in this country we have driving tests, job interviews, thumbprint identification, pin 's, and passwords…yet anybody can fuck and have kids. There are no screenings, no tests, no pre-qualifications, NOTHING! In fact, having kids sometimes is an "Accident" in this country. Doesn't this seem like more of an important security measure than somebody's AOL account password? Parents need to take an active interest in their kids if they are going to have them…I'm getting sick of parents that make their kid everybody else's responsibility. Yell at your kid if he's running around the mall bumping into everyone! Scold your kid if he's making loud, tourettes-like noises while you're in a movie theater! And get a muzzle for your kid if he's a fucking cry-baby in public. Stop catering to every one of their demands, no wonder we have so many selfish-brats in this country. When your kid gets hurt it's because he did something stupid…step up and yell at him not to do it again. You scold first, console second, the kid learns a lesson. A slap in the face keeps a kid in his place, every time. There are so many parents out there that just don't give a shit about their kids and then these kids grow up to be a pain in the ass to everybody else. This country is so fuckin' backwards. This is a country that will throw their kid in a dumpster and leave their McDonald's wrapper on the table. The birth of your child is the miracle…your parenting skills are a disgrace. Take care of your kids if you're gonna have one and learn how to raise them so they don't grow up to be the douche-bag at the bar telling you how many drinks he had! If this doesn't work then I need to group you with the people from Ethiopia that I mentioned in another blog…STOP FUCKING!

The Guy You Can't Get Rid Of!

2008-01-27T20:53:00.001-06:00

Up on my shit-list right now are guys that tell you how much they had to drink when they go out to the bar. It always starts with the same horseshit lie "Oh man, I was SO wasted on Saturday night!" Then after this waste of an orgasm tells you how he was so fucked up and annihilated he proceeds to tell you HOW he got so fucked up and annihilated. "Dude, I had like 7 jagar bombs, 12 beers, a shot of tequila…" That's when you have to step in and finish the sentence for him "yeah and 0 blowjobs or phone numbers!" Why didn't you finish the night with a screwdriver so you could be a complete tool! Nobody gives a shit how much you can drink. I don't know what impresses girls, but I can guarantee it's not this genetic malfunction. This is the same person that always shows up when somebody ELSE is buying a round of shots…and the reason you know they are there is because you could smell their body odor, since this hammer has decided to wear a sleeveless shirt in 30 degree weather to show off his new tribal tattoo. They sell condoms in the bathroom at the bars…but they aren't for you…they are for the girls to stick in as a preventative measure for when you come and jam your dick in them on the dance floor. No wonder nice guys can't get anywhere with girls…they have to constantly fear the anal assault when they are trying to have fun with their friends. Stick to dry humping the pool table while flexing your rape rod and leave the rest of us alone!

Welcome to Life!

2008-01-27T20:51:00.000-06:00

I hate people that think that just because they spent a lot of money on an education that they are entitled to some sort of "break" in life or "loop hole" in the system. Bullshit, a college degree is not barter for intelligence. 75% of people go to college as an extended form of high school. Its 4 years of beer bongs, frat houses, and waking up with a dog (literal and figural). For the past 4 years we've lived in the real world while you were living in the Real World MTV. There is no Christmas break in the real world, time to blow the resin off your brain and get a clue. You're supposed to take more out of college than an ego. Life is a world of debt, it's a world of being one step behind and it's a world of wishing & I wants. Nobody cares about your sob story of how hard you had to work for your degree...we all work hard and get fucked by the same corporate American dildo. And no, I don't think you should be teaching the youth of America either!

Feed the Children!

2008-01-27T20:49:00.000-06:00

I drove past an Ethiopian buffet the other day....an ETHIOPIAN BUFFET!!! This is the country that is begging for food everyday on TV because they don't have ANY and we are shoveling it in by the trough at $5.99 a person. It costs 39 cents a day to give them a cracker and we say "fuck that" and build an establishment that slaps them in the face with ignorance and allows us to use a credit card to eat while we politely change the channel! I think the problem might be that they have the wrong phone number working for their ad because I can never seem to remember it after watching the commercial. I think they should tie a gimmick to it to get you to remember it, 1-800-RIBCAGE would be appropriate! Oh yeah, I also want to go on record and say STOP FUCKING! It's obvious that the kids in this country are starving, STOP HAVING KIDS! Nobody is having kids in Europe and moving to Ethiopia! Let's meet in the middle, stop creating more mouths to feed and we'll work harder to feed more mouths!